Why pray tell would this seemingly frivolous subject be tackled in an emergency medicine blog – a portal for all things serious like life threatening toxins and deadly  creatures and anaphylaxis and heart attacks? Well, the parking lot is indeed a dangerous place (AEDs and anxiolytics should be provided at the gate for sane parental victims) and furthermore a fascinating stage for commentary on the role models and state of modern society at large. Let the saga of the school parking lot begin….

Little diddums needs to dropped as close to the school gate as humanly possible as we assume it is somehow incapable physically of walking the extra 30 metres. Mom in a Porsche Cayenne (made up to the nines and mascara perfect, yet in gym kit for the supposed sweaty work-out to follow) now uses Sun-Tzu tactics combined with surgical testosterone to force the law abiding Volvo to give way at the drop off area, swerving in with a speed belied by the tardiness of the departure. The elaborate good-bye ritual includes much air kissing (so as not to smudge any make-up), pointless checking of homework and lunch boxes and carrying of bags (again little diddums incapable of carrying a small satchel an extra 20 metres). Woe betide the lesser parent (identified by plumage and feathering of a lower bling rating) who elects to hoot at the rudely parked Cayenne blocking the smooth flow of working parents through the drop off zone. This will likely elicit an expletive laden outburst with accompanying obnoxious gestures reinforcing to little diddums that money does indeed buy position and station in life.

And so how does one deal with the abrasive uber-SUV driving parent with scant regard for the working etiquette of vehicle entry and egress at the school. Many suggestions have been touted, unfortunately few are practical for implementation. The school could appoint parking lot police – sort of like a scholar patrol, but rather issuing point demerits for parking lot etiquette violations. A total number of points equates to a parking lot ban. Nice concept but tricky to actually enforce on a busy morning main road, given the previously stated high speed arriving skills of said parent. The same parking lot police could issue a dunce cap of sorts – the Cayenne gets a large pink balloon attached to its rear bumper. Now hang on, perhaps the dunce cap concept has legs if we tackle little diddums rather. Mom might actually modify her behaviour if bad parking lot behaviour resulted in her dearest little pudding having to wear the parking dunce cap at school for the day. Modern educators would probably argue and never allow the belittling of the child for shoddy parenting however it’s an attractive concept. The parking lot police could adopt a wild west type response – splurge guns with cream pies or paint ball could be fired at offending vehicles. This would also be a popular morning activity, being on paint ball Porsche patrol! A community car wash project, at $50 per car, could then generate funds for a designated school charity.

So at the end of the day – we concede we have few levers to pull to modify the appalling parking lot behaviour of the luxury vehicle piloted by the bling parent in faux gym kit. Name and shame may yet be the most effective strategy – Hollywood hates bad press.

Survival guide tips for handling the parking lot campaign, short of loading incendiary weapons on your vehicle:

• always maintain your sense of humour – madame bling does not have one, which gives you the moral high ground
• remember your kids are still in the car – and so will take valuable guidance from your handling of this stressful assault
• consider a detour via gym yourself – although to actually do a workout
• it’s too early for an adult beverage so perhaps a stop at your favourite coffee shop…